Rumor has it that some people are going to link taking Tylenol during pregnancy to autism. My response to that? My mom sniffed paint through her entire pregnancy, and I’m just fine. No autism here. If my mom can huff paint, glue, and gas during the first, second, and third trimester and produce me, a perfectly healthy, well-rounded, smart, strong, and attractive Alpha Male, then what’s the big deal with Tylenol? Why is Tylenol so much worse?
No test has ever shown anything remotely wrong with me. I’m a specimen of perfect health. And no mental health issues either—I’ve never had to go to a “therapist” because, like I said, there’s nothing wrong with me. My mom could have eaten Tylenol by the bucket and I’d still be goddamn Hercules.
Meanwhile, my coworker D.J. was raised by a hippy mother who grew her own kale and wouldn’t even drink from a plastic water bottle. And now, D.J. is riddled with problems and neurosis. She’s always complaining about how cold the office is, because her body is significantly weaker than mine. If natural living is so good for you, then how come D.J. had to do an anger management program?
All I’m saying is that when I get my wife pregnant (when I get a wife), she can have all the Tylenol she wants. You know why? Because I respect women. I believe they have a right to choose what they do with their body, and if that means Tylenol, then that means Tylenol. And if she wants to sniff paint like my mother did, then it will probably result in my child being the next phase of human evolution, because that’s how powerful my genes are.
It’s possible, even, that when my mom sniffed paint, it made me even more powerful. It could be that these chemicals are what is responsible for my superior physical state. In that case, I applaud her decision. Why doesn’t the CDC recommend that more women sniff paint during pregnancy? In every case that I’ve ran across, it’s resulted in fabulous results.
Editor’s note: We reached out to Mrs. Amy Wright, Derrick’s mother, for comment. She would like the record to show that she was not sniffing or huffing paint, glue, or gas during her pregnancy. She was employed as an interior decorator and was simply using these tools in her job. She has no idea why Derrick thinks she was “huffing that shit.” Additionally, she would like to clarify that Derrick was adopted and is not genetically related to her.
Derrick Wright
Derrick Wright’s motto is “with a name like Wright, how can you be Wrong?” He brings the fire to the Traffic Jam’s opinion section and leans into controversial topics.
Leave a Reply