I am a red-blooded American man. I enjoy a healthy diet of red meat, burgers dripping with cheese, and patriotic ice cream. I like to go out to dinner with my girlfriend to enjoy these foods, as is my right. If this country were to start installing gender neutral bathrooms willy nilly, then my girlfriend might walk into the stall next to mine right as I unleash bombs bursting through air.
I like to go to sports bars and order the hottest chicken wings imaginable with a side of nachos (no beans, hold the lettuce). Yes, I have horrible, explosive diarrhea after almost every meal. What man doesn’t? I don’t want to have to share a gender-neutral bathroom stall and have women listen to me grunt and groan as I strain to get the meal I ate fifteen minutes ago out of my body as fast as possible.
Listen, there are certain scientific and biological differences between men and women that mean we can’t share bathrooms. I KNOW that women don’t poop. And men do, constantly. We need our privacy. How else can we maintain our self-respect?
A relationship can be torpedoed by a Buffalo Wild Wings Shitting Incident faster than you can say “you should see a doctor.”
I’m not going to go pay $125 out of pocket copay to have some liberal white-collar elite tell me that I need to eat more fiber and that my high cholesterol and family history of heart disease puts me at risk of dying young. My early death will be my wife’s problem—if I can still convince a woman to marry someone who she just heard in the Dave and Buster’s bathroom for mercy, sweet Jesus, mercy as a rain of diarrhea splatted into the bowl.
Women just don’t get it.
Derrick Wright
Derrick Wright’s motto is “with a name like Wright, how can you be Wrong?” He brings the fire to the Traffic Jam’s opinion section and leans into controversial topics.
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