As I write this, Derrick is taking another loud Zoom call at his desk across from me and eating a bowl of chili at 9:48 a.m. We hate Derrick. Derrick is the worst. Derrick cannot pull his act together to respond to the email I sent him a week ago, but he can send out three emails about an inter-office disc golf league. Every day I have to smell Derrick’s wretched wretched sandalwood cologne.

We’d like to murder Derrick. And here are the 5 states we’d do it in.

5. California

Wouldn’t Derrick’s mangled body look so picturesque against a pacific sunset? It might be the first time in our lives we don’t mind looking at his stupid face with his stupid over gelled hair. Especially when a giant seagull shits in it.

4. New Jersey

It’s a little cliché, but the fantasy of dumping his body off a boardwalk then having an after-murder cigarette in a grimy diner while wearing a cheetah print coat and a gaudy gold watch is the only thing getting us through our day.

3. Alaska

YOU WANT THE OFFICE TO BE FREEZING COLD ALL THE TIME, DERRICK? HOW ABOUT A FREEZING COLD GRAVE???

I HOPE A BEAR EATS YOUR FACE. STOP TALKING TO ME WHEN I HAVE HEADPHONES IN.

2. Kansas

Derrick listens to ‘Carry on Wayward Son’ at least three times a week. Murdering him here would be such a delicious piece of irony. A delicious piece of irony he’ll never appreciate because 1) he’ll be dead as a brick and 2) he’s got the sense of humor of a brick.

1. Illinois

Look, I did my research. If—if—we get caught, it’s only 20-40 years and then we’re done, we’re free, we can start over, just the two of us, no Derrick, no Derrick’s coffee breath, just you, me, and the open toll road. We could do it. We could be free.

Editors note: As of September 6, 2025, D.J. Liszt has been placed on administrative leave from the Traffic Jam.